I'm feeling like a bright red balloon drifting across a clear blue sky.

All of a sudden it all went from blackness to bright light everywhere and I'm taking chances, all my chances. If it's in my way there's a reason behind it and I will look for it.

But it gets colder and hotter so fast, one after the other and then again and again

now tell me how do I solve it? how am I going to get it right again (or for the first time)

I just want to make something in the middle of all of this to work out, no matter which of those things, I wanna be okay.



I'm not quite inspired today so this is it.



:*

pms ¬¬

you know how I'm just plain easy to upset, to depress, to drive insane.

it gets harder every fucking day to keep on going, to keep on moving along with the acknowledgement that I'm losing the most important thing in my life. love. I know i might wake up in a week to find out it was just PMS or another weird hormone striking on my nerves but  right now if I put my hands palm up in front of me I'll see it all. I'll notice all my love slipping away.

All my hopes, all my desires, all my reasons (the wrongs and the right ones), all my feelings, all my justification, all my needs and fulfillments are running uncontrollably away from me, running far far away, running so very far away, running so fucking far away from me. I'm losing sight of them. I'm losing hold on them. I'm losing all of them, losing all of it, losing all of me

and then again we're not sure how to proceed. we don't know what to do. we don't know where we are. we don't know what we are and "are we ever gonna get this right? are we ever gonna start making sense and stop pretending that we care?" or stop pretending that we don't?

Is there anything at all I'm still able to do to save me from myself? or do I still have to save me from myself or from you? or from us or from everything? do I have to save myself from something, anything at all?

will I be able to survive another crisis of mine?

I do hope so. and I hope it will stop someday and leave me the hell alone.

.

sometimes I really have to believe that I'm only fooling myself 'til I can't any more. 

I know you were there but still you say you wasn't. I wish I could figure you out. wish I could understand and find out what you want... what goes on your mind... more than anything I wante it to be something I would like to find out. but I don't got even the slightest clue

I won't stand another night like this. or will I? do I have the nerves to keep it going until the very end?

When you don't know what else to do all you got left is to cry your soul out of your eyes, out of your body. let your soul out of your mind. what does it change? nothing, but it makes you feel a bit better. makes you see the life a little clearer, helps you to get out of the situation a bit faster because truth be told you take way longer to get out of the mess when you try to strike a strong person's pose because the mess inside of you is so damn big that you can't think, you can't even breath properly with all that shit pressing up against your chest.

Do your best to fight for what you want, that's what life is made, that's life' all about

do your business, care for yourself, show your love, be happy. DO IT ALL for yourself, no matter who's involved, don't let hapiness slip away because of someone else.

and again and again

I really have no right to say he's wrong or right. I don't know it

the world knows it doesn't matter who is right. the stronger, faster and smarter wins if he's able to manipulate the situations.

I get manipulated by him. I don't mind at all most of the time. I just let myself be manipulated but even when he says he doesn't want me no more I still get to stay with him. I let myself be manipulated, got it?

I can sit and cry a whole afternoon. it won't make anything better, it will just take some of my pain away. I don't know even the reason why I'm crying. I just cry, get it over it and keep going

but it hurts, it hurts like hell, even when you don't know what is hurting. you just feel  the pain like you feel the rain and keep not knowing where the water is coming from, doesn't matter what your teachers told you as a child.

truth be told most of the things don't really need a reason or an origin. You'll deal with it no matter what, and usually the reason behind doesn't change a thing about how you proceed

I know he SHOWED me how much love he has for me. I believe it. I felt it.

Still doesn't change a thing. and probably never will.

I'll just keep hurting over it until it ends, no matter where it came from.