Because you never wrote me or told me any of the things you tell her
even though you tell me i'm one ou yout best friends you just disappear on the first oportunity.
why is that that you can never trully accept the strongest feelings you have
why is it so bad to have an out-of-standard best friend?

i hope against hope that the relationship we built will not be left to waste
i hope against hope that all our efforts won't be be left to die
hope against hope, i hope someday you'll see it all.

fear

I feel insecure and I don't know why I had a sudenly fear of losing you. I don't know what might be coming but I feel like I can't take any chances right now, like i'm trying to close my fingers as hard as can so my life won't slip through it.
I know I'm pressuring you, I know I'm being very pushy and I know it's not the best way to keep you around but I just cannot help it. I'm so very sorry that you have to, once again, pay for all the shit I got into and those I think I am but don't even exist. That's how my sytem goes on and as much as I don't like it I'm not strong enough to change it.
I wish I could ask you to be patient and hold on to me and be with me as long as we shall live but I know I don't have the right to do it. I've already asked for too much from you, so I just HOPE that you love me and be patient once and again with me
I'm not willing to lose you because of the fear of losing you. weird as it sounds.

Seems like a miracle is working it's way toward me. I'm feeling quite light, happy and accomplished.
My heroes are coming here this year, my baby is becoming someone else. and someone i like much better.

I just have no way to explain how happy I feel.
I just leave here the wish that every and each of you could feel the same.

walking counterclockwise

I starting to believe that I can go on but I still I think I should move out of myself for a while, to clean my mind from all of this.
I'm almost sure this is not going how it is suppossed to be but all in all maybe I'll never know and maybe this will never end. or maybe it has ended a long time ago and I'm way to stupid to figure it out.
if you're going to say how much you hate me, say it out loud, cream it at my face instead of playing your sick little games over and over.
Make this be the last, make it sure and decisive. Put an end to something that has never begun.

heartbroken

but I knew from the very beginning that itt wouldn't work. it couldn't work.
I wasn't made for love, I wasn't created to be love
I am doomed to loneliness for the rest of my life.


"it's so unexpected when we all die alone"

but through all the things you said, all the chances we gave to the destiny
you keep lying, you keep hiding, you keep deceiving, deflacting
I don't want to give up, I don't want to let it go but I don't see another way
I don't know how to make it work since it looks like you don't want to play
the fire is wearing out. tell me if it's worth to use a lighter.

so you think you do really got a chance at love? you dream all day and all night about the guy you always dreamed of and all of sudden there he is.
there he goes treating you like you're the only one. but you are not. you're only one little piece of the huge game he's playing
he's messing around with every girl's heart just like he did with yours.
get yourself back together and don't let it bring you down, you can do better than that.

you WILL do better than him.

17:57

the sky is getting pink out of my window. soon it will be dark and all my fears and insecurities will resurface im my chest
all that agony and all the nasty pain will be my only companies another night.
I don't know how am I supposed to feel when it seems like I have it all is going down the drain. seems like i'm losing it again and that's not good, not at all. i don't wanna be without my clutches because i believe no one can live alone. no one, no matter how they pretend they're doing okay, deep down inside they're nowhere close to okay,
i'll keep fighting until the very end
i'm not going to give up. i swear i won't..

then the rainbow fades away.
and I realize there is no such luck.
no such luck for me

another one

and after the storm there's always the rainbow, isn't there? so it seems mine is already shining.

there he came, smile placed reaching his happy shiny eyes, he kissed me and gave me a little dark chocolate, i thanked with a depper kiss. we left the open space to find somewhere we could be more confortable. 2 hours. it had been a while since the last time I felt that good. maybe he really likes me
I really hope this time I'm gonna get it right. I will

and when I try to show you how impossible it is just to think of believing you do not care you keep telling me to shut up.
but how can you trust me and feel confortable when you don't like me. it does not make sense. period.

everyday, everytime we're together you show it, but you keep pretending i'm not what's best for you.
maybe i'm not, really.
maybe, just maybe,

but I love you, that's for sure

I'm so damn happy today, *-*
i'm going to do my tattoo next week *__*

savior

but again when you look back in my direction you'll finally notice I'm not here anymore.

I'm gone for so long but it seems you can't grasp it and I keep wondering and wondering when are you going to ask where I ended up.

I keep hoping you'll give yourself the effort to look for me and check if I'm okay. I keep praying for you to ask me to come back to you because this is everything I ever wanted. everything I'll ever want but will you do it?

again I'm sitting here writing these things you will never read, things you'll never know about. things you don't care about. or pretend so.

am I someday going to get an answer? because you keep pretending this is who you really are when you're not, this is what you like when you're only trying to disguise your pain, this is where you want to be when it's only a scape but you're getting each and every day farther and farther away and then you'll finally reach the end when you won't be able to find yourself again and you won't believe me when I tell you who you used to be.

let me be the one who saves you every day from the pain that you're in. let me be your savior, let me save myself from the burden of letting you die and doing nothing to stop it.

down and up and down again

as if nothing had ever happened I went to talk to him. and he treated me like nothing had ever happened, let alone the last weeks. we're fine. we're okay. we're not great but surely as well as we can.

looks like every single detail is finally falling into place, looks like it all is going to work out right this time and I'm fighting to keep it going, to keep it up, I'm not planning to give anything up. not really. I may give it a time like I did before but surely I'm not giving up.

I wish I could feel this good forever. Wish I could be this okay until the very end.

I'm feeling like a bright red balloon drifting across a clear blue sky.

All of a sudden it all went from blackness to bright light everywhere and I'm taking chances, all my chances. If it's in my way there's a reason behind it and I will look for it.

But it gets colder and hotter so fast, one after the other and then again and again

now tell me how do I solve it? how am I going to get it right again (or for the first time)

I just want to make something in the middle of all of this to work out, no matter which of those things, I wanna be okay.



I'm not quite inspired today so this is it.



:*

pms ¬¬

you know how I'm just plain easy to upset, to depress, to drive insane.

it gets harder every fucking day to keep on going, to keep on moving along with the acknowledgement that I'm losing the most important thing in my life. love. I know i might wake up in a week to find out it was just PMS or another weird hormone striking on my nerves but  right now if I put my hands palm up in front of me I'll see it all. I'll notice all my love slipping away.

All my hopes, all my desires, all my reasons (the wrongs and the right ones), all my feelings, all my justification, all my needs and fulfillments are running uncontrollably away from me, running far far away, running so very far away, running so fucking far away from me. I'm losing sight of them. I'm losing hold on them. I'm losing all of them, losing all of it, losing all of me

and then again we're not sure how to proceed. we don't know what to do. we don't know where we are. we don't know what we are and "are we ever gonna get this right? are we ever gonna start making sense and stop pretending that we care?" or stop pretending that we don't?

Is there anything at all I'm still able to do to save me from myself? or do I still have to save me from myself or from you? or from us or from everything? do I have to save myself from something, anything at all?

will I be able to survive another crisis of mine?

I do hope so. and I hope it will stop someday and leave me the hell alone.

.

sometimes I really have to believe that I'm only fooling myself 'til I can't any more. 

I know you were there but still you say you wasn't. I wish I could figure you out. wish I could understand and find out what you want... what goes on your mind... more than anything I wante it to be something I would like to find out. but I don't got even the slightest clue

I won't stand another night like this. or will I? do I have the nerves to keep it going until the very end?

When you don't know what else to do all you got left is to cry your soul out of your eyes, out of your body. let your soul out of your mind. what does it change? nothing, but it makes you feel a bit better. makes you see the life a little clearer, helps you to get out of the situation a bit faster because truth be told you take way longer to get out of the mess when you try to strike a strong person's pose because the mess inside of you is so damn big that you can't think, you can't even breath properly with all that shit pressing up against your chest.

Do your best to fight for what you want, that's what life is made, that's life' all about

do your business, care for yourself, show your love, be happy. DO IT ALL for yourself, no matter who's involved, don't let hapiness slip away because of someone else.

and again and again

I really have no right to say he's wrong or right. I don't know it

the world knows it doesn't matter who is right. the stronger, faster and smarter wins if he's able to manipulate the situations.

I get manipulated by him. I don't mind at all most of the time. I just let myself be manipulated but even when he says he doesn't want me no more I still get to stay with him. I let myself be manipulated, got it?

I can sit and cry a whole afternoon. it won't make anything better, it will just take some of my pain away. I don't know even the reason why I'm crying. I just cry, get it over it and keep going

but it hurts, it hurts like hell, even when you don't know what is hurting. you just feel  the pain like you feel the rain and keep not knowing where the water is coming from, doesn't matter what your teachers told you as a child.

truth be told most of the things don't really need a reason or an origin. You'll deal with it no matter what, and usually the reason behind doesn't change a thing about how you proceed

I know he SHOWED me how much love he has for me. I believe it. I felt it.

Still doesn't change a thing. and probably never will.

I'll just keep hurting over it until it ends, no matter where it came from.

Splited mind, splited soul

então eu não sei se era assim que devia ser. eu não sei o que fazer, como proceder. eu não sei o que pensar e a cada momento o meu medo aumenta. 

eu não sei se ainda quero tentar, se preciso. eu só sei que ainda amo. a verdade é que no fundo eu achei que soubesse muito. eu nunca soube nada. eu tive medo de apostar mais alto e perder todas as fichas. de repente eis que eu aposto a minha vida. entro na roleta russa. sem medo, sem pudor. antes de mais nada sem pensar.

a dor é inevitavel e as palavras incoenrentes. não há mais nada que eu consiga fazer bem como antes. eu mudei e não sei mais exatamente quem sou eu. eu me perco em mim mesma a cada dia e pra todo lado que eu olho não vejo solução. não sei se algum dia voltarei a tona, se verei o céu novamente.

eis que aqui afundo, me entrego, me desprezo. eis aqui o que resta de mim, o que me resta. eis a dor de uma alma que erra, que ama, que chora, que sorri. eis uma tentativa, eis aqui mais uma frustração.

não me olho no espelho de manha pois não reconheço o rosto que hoje carrego. não me cuido pois desconheço o corpo que habito.

That's the fucking end and I'm gonna cry my soul right out of my body. I wanna feel all the pain I got left to pay 'cuz I cannot stand another break up anymore, I can't stand see you leaving me behind.

I wanna have you no matter how. I want you. I need you. that's not too much too ask for. You were happy, you'll be happy. Let me try to be as well. let me use my right to be human once again.

let it be love. let it be peace. let it be us if heaven thinks it's the way it should be